Talk Story with Aunty Lynette: Hawaiian Spirituality

Spirituality is a belief in powers
that’s greater than oneselfIt’s those powers that have control over
life and deathIn the Western way we talk about religionand religion comes frominstitutionalized beliefs that is external of selfThe Hawaiian way is spirituality is
within each and every one of u. sAnd how do I know this because
Hawaiians have the word Our deceased ancestorswho have been elevated to that
level of becoming a deityand these ancestors are not personal people that you know of because it goes way back into timean in your genealogy
lets you know their DNA from way backwhen is evident in you today think about
all those efforts on DNA and peoplefinding out areas of ethnicity they
never dream they had before wellHawaiians view this and we called it but now science is catching up withus and we look at it as DNAwithin spirituality is the concept of
that is spiritual power it is thatlife force that everyone hasit is energy some people are born with
more because they’ve been selectedby the to receive that abilityothers have the potential to tap into
and they can do this by learning bybeing taught the difference between one
who has this through their and one who is not born of the clan theone who has that tendency generally
picks it up faster it makes sense forthem the other one has to learn what
does this meanhow does it fit in with what I know and
what I understand yeah but it doesn’tmean you cannot learn so there are many
who are born to be healers and they’reraised by their families others don’t
get to that point of wanting to becomehealers until they begin to mature and
begin to have a better sense ofdirection for their lives these
individuals with training can learn tobecome healersso the potential is there it’s there
within oneself is an idea that’s linked with verbal
statementsHawaiian language tells us there is
in words once it’s uttered once it’sdeclared it begins to take a life of its
own and it happens and the consequencesthat come with it think about that we
all have done power in thevoice that utters and make a declarationsometimes we make that declaration
that’s positive and things turn out welland sometimes in our frustration we make
statements that we regret but it takes alife of its own already and it creates a
disturbance in the relationship withpeople parents with children especially
parents up today who have to work at twojobs maybe three jobs so that they can
meet the needs of their family and stillcome home and have to do the whole
making responsibilities and especiallyif you’ve had a hard day at the office
Oh patience is very short I’ve beenthrough that myself I raised four
children through their teenage years andoh and I know it’s so well and I’m so
grateful that I had a partner for lifethat when he saw my patience was zilch
he’d step in and then he’d tell me gosit down rest and that I take care of
the kidsor if you have you use with
your family the kids know and they pickup where is this reaction coming from
and they’d say to me what happened MAyou had a hard day at the office I’d
stop myself and say you’re right I haveto leave what’s at the office at the
office and not bring it homeor if your child has special needs and
you’re not fully aware of what needs tobe done and you don’t have all the
information and the knowledge to providefor a relationship that allows the child
to be nurtured and to grow thestatements you make can have that
negative effect that will follow them incases with families that we work with in
Social Work many times in talking withthe family I’ll hear the parent who gets
so frustrated that they point out thenegative aspects of the child and
labeled it you just like so-and-soso-and-so is incarcerated what does that
tell the childif I’m like so and so does this mean I’m
gonna get into trouble and becomeincarcerated and children pick up that
message because in school they’re in andout of the principal’s office or the
vice principal’s officeso they pick up that and they
begin to accept it because they’re nothearing anything good about themselvesso is power spiritual power
that takes a life of its ownif it is positive it goes in the
positive direction if it is negative itmoves in the negative direction and so
in it’s very importantthat we clarify we bring to attention to
members who are there for a session we always think of as heavens is spirituality it is that
dimension that’s from Earth the spaceand it is in the spiritual realm
is one spirit one soul of the living you know when
you go to sleep and you have dreams androu-ha-nee of the living you know when
you go to sleep and you have dreams andthat’s your haunted that decided oh I’m
going to I’m gonna seethat’s your haunted that decided oh I’m
going to hold a hollow I’m gonna seeentirely different but that’s your the one who is deceased has an form comes to us and we see it as ghostsI’ve had a situation where this little
boy could see ghosts and while in schoollot of the ghosts were in the bathroom
and therefore when he saw the ghost hecouldn’t do what he wanted to do and so
he’d leave but you know to suffercouldn’t do what he wanted to do and so
he believed but you know what to sufferthe whole time because you gotta go you
gotta gobut you don’t dare go there because all
those ghosts what’s gonna happen to thathis friends Elementary School they just
going into intermediate friends can bevery cruel and if he says he sees ghosts
even more so their going to think he’s crazyvery cruel and if he says he sees ghosts
even more so the continuity is crazyso it’s ghosts okayso according to
these Hawaiian terms exemplify the rangeso according to Fukui elbert dictionary
these Hawaiian terms exemplify the rangespirituality with ghosts it’s not doesn’t
necessarily mean you’re going to diewhat it does mean is that the of
that deceased relative is trying towhat it does mean is that the Oh Hani of
that deceased relative is trying tocommunicate with the individual they
have a message but not necessarilyyou’re not matured enough yeah so
recognize that the ability to see ghostsyou’re not matured enough yeah so
recognize that the ability to see goesnot limited to adults it happens to
children tooI was interviewed by my niece this past
weekend and I said to her did you knowwas the one who saw ghosts all
around but when it interfered in thingsson was the one who saw ghosts all
around but when it interfered in thingsis the one his wife could see the ghost
he was the one that dealt with thethe ghost and he cleansed the place
and the individual so I said you comefrom a rich line she’s she was just
accepted into the BSW School of Social Workfrom a rich lying she’s she was just
accepted into the BSW School of Socialis the they come out of love and
concern and they want to check up on howconnect to that Hawaiian place of manaso communication with the spirits they
come out of love rarely especially if itis the Ohana they come out of love and
concern and they want to check up on howthings are happening in the family and
especially if they’ve had a lovingrelationship and that’s the individual
that the living person often talked withsometimes the families that we work with
that call for help have these experiencesand don’t turn a deaf ear to them back
in the 1960s in the School of Social Workfamilies curse each other
you know curse is it’s a negative statement intended to do harmown and and because there’s power in the
Hawaiians had to figure outand don’t turn a deaf ear to them back
in the 1960s in the School of SocialWork we’re never taught about the ghosts
oh honey we’re never taught that ourfamilies curse each other you know curse
is maniacally oh it’s a negativestatement intended to do harm and the
moment is uttered it has a life of itsown and and because there’s power in the
maniacal air Hawaiians had to figure outwhat is the countermeasure so there were
solutions they were solutions a curse isonly effective if you are deserving of
it but if that negative statements it’scoming out of left field in your opinion
you don’t have to accept it yeah I hadan experience where someone came to me
one day and said you know I blame youand so and so and so and so that our
nephew is this way but I said stopcan say stop and go back to the person
that started this and Hawaiians whooo. . . raised for 12 years in a different home
and he’s just come into my home the lasttwo years you expect me to undo all of
that I said I don’t accept thatanother level of here
and I stop it and don’t letit bother me and you have to acknowledge itcan say stop and go back to the person
that started this and Hawaiians who whenthey get this stuff they’ll say stop and
eat yucca who that means I death was to times I have the option I don’t have to
go to that point because it createsanother pillock here another level of
pillock here and I stop it and don’t letit bother me and you have to acknowledge
itokayso with spiritualism when transgressions
are committed transgressions against theAl Makuait usually results in illness of the
physical body and it’s a kind ofsituation where you go to the doctor
they cannot find anything wrong with youthere you don’t know what’s causing thisand they leave it and then what are you
to do with it then think about is thisthis something is happening in your familyand so they had and in
the discussion of this was a nice part of the Ohana that took
in an uncle and his wife because theywere getting nearing the point of being houselessthe auntie’s the kupuna auntie and the
kupuna and he looked at her and said ifyou go to Honolulu you won’t have your
eyesight and the doctor cannot deal withthis
something is happening in your familyyour for your room and your
clothes and things and you contribute bywas a nice part of the Ohana that took
in an uncle and his wife because theywere getting nearing the point of being
houselessand they had lion they had kuleana line
so told them to come live with them andbe part of the family now in the
Hawaiian way of thinking being part ofthe family means help us with what has
to be done in the household take care ofyour kuleana for your room and your
clothes and things and you contribute byspend time with them and socialize by
the time they come back is in thewell it went good for the first couple
of months but after that the couple saidwe cannot depend on this family forever
so the intention was we’re not gonnastay and work today we’re going to go to
the big city and when we’re in the bigcity we’re gonna go look for jobs but
they came across friends they hadn’tschool and she learned to speak up not
not keep the mouth shut sospend time with them and socialize my
big time they come back is in the earlydo the laundry take the sheets,
pillowcas, and blankets and I have to wash itwith the ironing the food preparation
the gardening securing of food theycontinue this for several months anddon’t like it
so the mamma said to her school and she learned to speak up not
paka waha not keep the mouth shut soshe’d make comments how come I gotta go
in the bedroom and clean up their messso she is grumble
behind the backit why her I do that
now think about what family means yeahto finally she got the courage and she
went to her parents and told her parentsyou folks better do something about this
cuz it’s not fair it’s not fair and Idon’t like it
so the momma said to her cooly coolyother Island to get medical help
now when the auntie who was doing with them after tell me
what the situation is so she pointed outso she namo namo namo number is grumble
behind the backthey told her to she still complain then the auntie turned to
the parents did she come to you andOhana relationships then the negative
inside of her begin to work on her bodythat’s my brother and my sister-in-law
we just keep our emulsion untilother Island to get medical help
now when the auntie who was doing herupon upon her with them after tell me
what the situation is so she pointed outto the girl she needed to obey her
parents she went to them and even thoughthey told her
to cooly cooly she still complain hehear pilikia then the auntie turned to
the parents did she come to you andasked for help with the situation and
the mama said yes she did but you knowthat’s my brother and my sister-in-law
we just hung out keep our emulsion untilthey’re ready this effectively cut off
any help for the daughterpunishment from the that’s
because she sought your help and yousister-in-lawdoing the was
identifying those acts and actions thatcreated
on their part and on the parents partthey’re always right but their lack of
action contributed to the girl having toso I raised the question with themso you made a decision to not give help
to your daughter and if this ispunishment from the omec or that’s
because she sought your help and youdidn’t give her the help she needed so
what was happening here the one who wasdoing the whole porno porno was
identifying those acts and actions thatcreated hee hee
on their part and on the parents partyour getting to their acts of commission in
creating and they said wellniece everything was good for the first
two months but then you folk startedgoing out and you don’t come back until
its early evening just in time to sitdown and eat and then talk story and
then go get cleaned up and then you goto sleep so was your nieces version
accurate and they said yeah so thequestion posed to them was what was your
reason for not following through withdaughter auntie and
uncle looking for a job so that they cangetting to their acts of commission in
creating appeal akia and they said wellwe wanted to be able to be more
independent and we thought if we’d gocommunication yes and in this session
the person conducting the own the question posed to that couple
was did you inform your intention toyour sister and her husband so that they
would know what is happening and if theyhad that information they would have
been in a position to explain to theand because these acts of commission and
omission contributed to and to the it’s resulted in the niece
violating those principles of etiquetteour daughter then maybe she would not
have had this illness so the lack ofcommunication yes and in this session
the person conducting the hopen Eponawas helping each party to look at their
acts of commission or the act ofomission on the parents part and the
acts of commissionby the auntie and uncle as well as
omission their failure to communicateand because these acts of commission and
omission contributed to here and to thepilikia it’s resulted in the niece
violating those principles of etiquettein respecting elders and that is a
transgression against the higher powershigher powers moved into action and
inflicted the punishments when each ofthem saw how they contributed to that
problem they were asked what do you wantto do now these they want to live like
this and they all said no we want to beOhana again we want a love restored
between us so the question was so whatdo you wanna do now auntie and uncle
immediately apologized apologized to theniece for their failures it was not
their intention but their actions causedthe consequence they had to apologize to
the sister and brother-in-law the headsof this family their failure to
communicate the reasons for them wantingto be independent and wanting to be on
their own to give relief to them theirfailure to communicate that intention
left a void in what was happening sothey had to ask forgiveness from the
brother and the sister okayMama and Papa even though there were
parents when it was pointed out thatthey let the situation lie dormant and
it got worsethe daughter came for help and they gave
a statement they didn’t give her asolution
can you imagine parents having to askforgiveness of their children in the
Hawaiian family it is a must in theHawaiian family it is a must and Mama
and Papa crying with tears turn to theabout what they do
to contribute to they are moredidn’t mean for this to happen we were
just waiting for auntie and uncle to getexonerating themselves and justifying
what they do in the personconducting the stopslove you we don’t want anything to
happen to you so each of the partieswere helped to identify how they
contributed towards creating thisnegative situation in Western Way
families of today have hard time talkingabout what they do
to contribute to pili Kea they are morefocus on what you did to create the
what you did to create the what you did to create the
here because it takes two sidesfor a to occurblame placing and helps them to look at
your acts of commission your acts ofomission and the negative consequences
that come from it you are responsibleHawaiians were so wise in knowing that
when you have and fighting each other I think they
need to get back to the Hawaiian way isfocus on what you did to create the
pilikia what you did to create thepilikia what you did to create the
pillock here because it takes two sidesfor a pelican to atern if like earlier
moneyAkali of someone says to me I blame you
I say stop I don’t accept it I’m notguilty yeah but had I got offended by
being blamed I would have exacerbatedwould say well I didn’t intend that the
has to be able to point out evenHawaiians were so wise in knowing that
when you have he heretherefore that effect the consequences
also belongs to you nobody elseIn unlike the justice system the
justice system likes the idea of me :the resolution for then is forgivenessbecause they know that what they did
created pain and hurt in the otherfamily members and because what they
failed to do or what they did inflictedthe it’s got to come from that now
in other words if you say forgive me Iwould say well I didn’t intend that the
haku has to be able to point out eventhough you didn’t intend it that is the
effect that followed what you did andtherefore that effect the consequences
also belongs to you nobody else in hothis and I know on your part it was like
knives cutting into your heart and I amso so so sorry for that because I love youcommission and omission is humble and
unless they intend for love to comeit was going to happen you please forgive methere now it’s got to come from that now
in other words if you say forgive me Ilove you I want everything to be happy
again between us it has to be genuineform is saying I sorryI know I did that but I never intended
to hurt you that’s form essence is I didthis and I know on your part it was like
knives cutting into your hearts and I amso so so sorry for that because I love
youit was selfish of me to only think of
myself and not to think about the effectit was going to happen you please
forgive methat’s the Hawaiian way the articulation
of the acts of commission and omissionand the manner in which the sincerity
and genuineness comes across togetherbig differenceso it’s helping families of today who
don’t have this kind of experience tohave to help them
to what do I mean by genuinenesswith the because they’re doingit with the living relatives and that
it’s not going to pass on to the of the for the future generations
because it’s going to be cut right therethe alignment is in balance that is talk about it i express myself with so
much love and regret and remorse youpick up the genuineness so it’s that
quality that is required in this form ofgiving you an example of how it fits in
the key concept in the Hawaiian way way is form an essence together
don’t just do form heavy on the upperwith the pull the picot of the pole the
picot of the now because they’re doingit with the living relatives and that
it’s not going to pass on to the picotof the money for the future generations
because it’s going to be cut right theredifferent in the
I do today that was not done intraditional times is I have to teach the
families of today what I mean by the getting down to the I don’t want tohear the hot air and if I pick up mouth
my job as the hacker is toHana way is form an essence together
don’t just do form heavy on the upperpart it has to be togetherdidn’t sound like you meant it.
Am I my off base I said because the wayto do that cuz it’s really tough yeah
yeah yeah one of the things that’sdifferent in the hope on a panel of the
I do today that was not done intraditional times is I have to teach the
families of today what I mean by the NAow
getting down to you now I don’t want tohas to be genuine otherwise it’s all hot air
they’re not gonna work has anybody everidentify that in a gentle but firm way
you know so it’s a I just heard you sayit da da da da and the way that it came
across to me was with just words itdidn’t sound like you meant it
and my off base I said because the wayyou sit and the way you talk it was so
flippant like it’s everyday I said herewe’re talking about somebody being hurt
emotionally inside of themthink about what I just described
because the Hawaiian way for this towork that’s the level
of sincerity that we got to help you get tohas to be genuine otherwise it’s all hot
they’re not gonna work has anybody everevery time I see it being incongruent
with cuz that’s what youasked of me be honest just like I asked
you folks to be honest- How in today in the modern world when we have instances of ADHD and other learning disabilitiesand a lot of other has come
down that affects mental stability whensomebody has the intention in yet the
impulse control issues where does how does help that and
the person means well or has goodwork or open up on them that’s the level
of sincerity that we got to help you getfailing and it’s hard for the surrounding familymembers to understand or toevery time I see it being incongruent
with ho’oponopono cuz that’s what youasked of me be honest just like I asked
you folks to be honest how in today inthe modern world when we have instances
of ADHD and other learning disabilitiesand a lot of other people Akita has come
down that affects mental stability whenthe incident happens that’s all that we
can expectupon how does help or not help that and
the person means well or has goodat my husband’s expense and he has reached a point where it isfailing
and it’s hard for the surrounding familymembers to understand or to because yeah
because of the special circumstance the- He’s tiredexhaustion and to be able to because I’m
ambitious like I go for a lot theydo a lot it doesn’t feel possible for me to slowmyself down as far asto him being a conscious
of that being conscious of my ownYou just have to keep working at it but
I think you got to pick up the cues whenI am the person who’s got ADHD I am the
person who repeatedly makes mistakes nowmy husband’s expense and he has reached
a point where it is no longer easy forhim to have patienceat this point you know you said you hear
that to your face every day if I youknow I have ADHD you know I’m trying
harder that’s not enough you knowhe’s tired he’s tired so how do I summon
up the strength to be patient for hisand there may be other ways you’re going
to raise your hand- That scenario that you painted of this girl with her ID and being Hawaiian but yet so disconnectedfrom these practices of that scenario that and
the Hawaiian way so if you have familyhungry for life yes yes yes by day 2hd
so how do I help meet Michael Jana tohim being a conscious of that being
conscious of my own shortcomings and thethings that inhibit it but how do I
overcome that through open oh no I guessis what I’m asking okayyou just have to keep working at it but
I think you got to pick up the cues whenso how do you get a family to come
together and agree to like cuz people get defensiverecognition maybe he needs some spaceand because I can’t always control on my
side though I try as much but I want togirl and this family but like to get to
that level is like how???- That’s the modern phenomena. It’s the
modern phenomena so this points outthe need for sharing of information to help
individuals understand what’s requiredof them to participate in you painted of this girl with her ID and
being Hawaiian but yet so disconnected- It comes down mostly to it
really doesissues that are going on and someone’s
sick in the Ohana how do you get their the ADHD that it may be my intention and
maybe if I’m not valuing or respecting what he needsit’s like throwing in the kitchen sinkand pick up the cue and say it’s starting up
again can we sit down and let’s look atso how do you get a family to come
together and agree to like cuz peopleget defensive yes they do
yes they did and those guards are upin a different way
not now in a very deepbe part of the problem because they’re
too busy pointing the finger and takingdoes that make sense?girl and this family but like to get to
that level is like that’s the modernthat’s the modern phenomena it’s the
modern phenomena so this points out theneed for sharing of information to help
individuals understand what’s requiredso this is special circumstances okay sowhen the both of you can talk out what
will work for the two of youreally don’t know
so how do you help them to get to that point?to wanting to do for the
right reason and that is to restorefamily love and harmonythe ADHD that it may be my intention and
maybe if I’m not valuing or respectingback the has the job of being able
to read the body language and calling itso in my work with families of today I
make an assumption they don’t know so I describe
and I tell them about the essentialpick up the cue and say it’s starting up
again can we sit down and let’s look atwhat would be your needs because I’m
still trying and I know I’m not hittinglove and there’s concern for each other
and you want to have that harmony restoredthat is the true intention you also
have to have the attitude ofcommunication with Aloha that’s an
essential attitudeSo for example and when you talk with your husbandup so if you need the space or whatever it isAloha and if you communicate with AlohayeahI give them examples of the attitudesyou can’t be the all-knowing at all
because my job is going to point out to youyou gotta come downpoint before you can conduct who open
upon Oh everyone involved has to committo wanting to do open upon all for the
right reason and that is to restorefamily love and harmony if they
participate but hold that don’t letother people know because they don’t
want fingers pointed at them for holdingback the Haku has the job of being able
to read the body language and calling itso as the today my skills as the
social worker come to bear I raise thoseopen open oh so I describe her open upon
door and I tell them about the essentialattitudes and the essential procedures
if you participate you participatebecause there’s an image of your family
that you have experience where there’slove and there’s concern for each other
and you want to have that harmonyrestoredbecause I’m right and then I have to lay
out that in everybody hastheir own truth everybody has their own
perspective and in wewhen you talk with your husband you can
let them know I love you and I pick thisup so if you need the space or whatever
it is tell me and maybe that might bethe path that we can go through so when
you communicate with him it’s not like 12 3 4 5 yeah it’s coming because of your
love for each other so communicate withAloha and if you communicate with Aloha
it’s a communication that promotesunderstanding it’s not a communication
of getting your point acrossyeah and so in preparing families who
have huh cacao with each otherI give them examples of the attitudes
the other one is you have to be ha ha hayou can’t be the all-knowing at all
because my job is going to point out toyou you can’t come downyou have to act more humble and then I
might ask in the past you know whathumble means because it’s trying to
figure out if they know and if theydon’t know it then maybe I have to
describe it yeah so I asked the pointedquestion in the past have you had an
experience where you were humble becausethe true intention that’s what I’m
searching foremphasize the concept you have to be questions that draw out information
about their life experience beforeto have effective meaning for you the spirit of truthwhich is to be honest to be truthfulwho’s egotistical the one who knows at
all that nobody can tell me what to dobecause I’m right and then I have to lay
out that in ho oponopono everybody hastheir own truth everybody has their own
perspective and in ho oponopono werespect that
so your perspective is only one amongnine others and I intend to honor each
of their perspectives their truth but inthem into the session and I let them all
over it because for to workin the right way you have to be ready to
examine that and recognize because as I go around I’m confirming
people’s perspectives and the way theysee things and I have to be honest with
that person to let them know this iswhat I perceive from you your
personality is such that you’re rightand everybody else is wrong what this
does mean is it’s not gonna work for thefamily so what do you wanna do if
everybody else are willing to workso the job of the is having the
skills to discern that because the veryessential attitudes that apply for participants applies to meI love your honesty and you know I have
to respect that honesty and yourdecision but I want you to know after
being out if you think it over and ifyou come to the conclusion maybe you can
bend a little and you want to try againthe door is open you can approach us
again so I never lock them out but Iso the Spirit of Truth- how do you identify a problem like that
one problem that you going back to Isaid that at the beginning?to have effective meaning for you okay
so essential attitudes Alohahahahaha oh yeah or the spirit of truth so at this point I’m relating to whatpeople come with that as the you
have to be astute in identifying thosewhat they do is different I I clarify
that inconsistency or the in congruenceof what is going on this is what I’m
picking up is this what you said and isthis what you described of what you do
they don’t fit to me it’s in congruentdecide for yourself your level of
your level of readiness to trust in the process it’s all about
trusting it and it’s also all about thein the right way you have to be ready to
examine that and recognize money Khalilthat there’s a negative consequence
that’s hurting your family because yousay one thing but you do something elseso my job is to reflect back to
participants what I hear them sayingwhat I hear their intention is but
doesn’t fit what I hear them describe aswhat they do that’s different from what
they say does that make sense yeah yeahokay belief in the recognition
that having harmony and balance withinessential attitudes that apply for her
upon upon the participants applies to mebecause I know is a goal that we
always try for because we not godsis my job to describe this to you in a
non defensive way in a non attacking way but maybe some things kind of
off base and so you off balance so itbehooves me to realize Oh babies I’m so sorryyou’re right mommy brought home the from the job thank you so muchfor telling me and pointing this up so
I’ve raised my kids to live and if they see the in
congruence I want them to tell me it’sproblem because this first stage relates
to what she saidapology because it’s nother open upon No
so at this point I’m relating to whatpeople come with that as the huckle you
have to be astute in identifying thosevalues the attitudes that they need to
have and what happens is because it’srevealed in front of all the family
members I always let the family membersdon’t make a decision right right at
this moment take a week each of youdecide for yourself your level of macoco
your level of readiness to trust in theopen apana process it’s all about
trusting it and it’s also all about thehelper knowing it so well that you are
the facilitator and the role model todemonstrate Aloha so my words are never
condemning never negative it’s alwayspresented in a neutral fashion and it’s
always checking myself out I see I heardthis and then I heard this somehow no
fit and I off I check with the rest ofthe family does it make sense to folks
to and they all agree with me so I saidhelp me understand where you’re coming
from yeahokay belief in porno the recognition
that having harmony and balance withineach individual of this group the family
is important to me I buy into that andbecause I know porno is a goal that we
always try for because we not godswe humans we’re going to make mistakes
and so every day a lot of what we do ispoor note but maybe some things kind of
off base and so you off balance so itappears as if it is because that’s the last I going spoil but when there’s ayou’re right mommy brought home the the
pity care from the job thank you so muchfor telling me and pointing this up so
I’ve raised my kids to live her openupon her and if they see the in
congruence I want them to tell me it’swell the jackets were that kid in
elementary school was going to costapology
the me color and okay because it’s notthem and I projected it onto them so the
projecting is a subconscious level on mysay no so I raised the question when
your children were this age and theybut then sometimes there’s a parent who
projects or goes to the level oftransference because when they were
young they were abused and beaten andthe child the children get the same kind
of behavior patterns and all that parentknows is beat them until they cannot
walk that is bringing that transferencewith somebody else a long different
period ago bringing it to the consciouslevel of the parent today these children
are not the people in your pastI had a situation where mama took in
family members and didn’t feel they hadthe economic finances to increase the
household by another five bodies butbecause the Hawaiian ways when your
family need helpyou gotta help so she bit her tongue and
she did that but throughout the years ofbeing foster parents to the nieces and
nephew there are many times when sheresented not being able to do things for
her own children but they managed tosurvive and everything was okay the kids
grew up well and then you know as ithappens in life sometimes husband and
wife had a child that didn’t plan for itjust came about ten years later but then
suddenly with this young child mamagives in and does whatever the child
does on the one hand on the one hand itappears as if it is because that’s alas
I couldn’t spoil but when there’s apattern of spoiling for ridiculous
things like this kid wasn’t satisfiedfor the May Day program to get an Aloha
shirt a new Aloha shirt and good pantshe wanted to be spiffy so he saw this
jacket that would make him stand outwell the jackets were that kid in
elementary school was going to cussabout $45
it went against her better judgment butshe gave in she couldn’t say no when he
started crying she couldn’t he couldn’tsay no so I raised the question when
your children Britt this age and theywanted something like what he wanted how
would you deal with it I tell them wedon’t have the money and you’re not
gonna get it I’m not spending that kindof money for you to wear just for six
months and then you’ll never fit in itagain so I said and look at how your
children have turned out wonderfulthey’re your right arms
how come you cannot do it with this boyand that question threw her back in her
memory to that earlier time where shehad love and how they came together to
take care of that the thing she wanted to when she
described that memory I then said to herso you making up for last time lost time
with them with this child but this childneeds exactly the clarity and the
firmness of your guidance that yourchildren had and look at the kind of
adults they are today she stopped andthe tears just came down you know living
the pain living the pain so I said tothe husband did you know your wife had
these feelings all these years he saidno she never said anything so I asked
the kids were you aware that mama wasstruggling during this time with your
brotherbecause it has its roots when you were
growing up with your cousins and youknow what they said to the mother we
were all here you did a school exactlywhat I would say look at your children
now they’re good adults too good parentswith their kids you did a wonderful jobso then I turned to the husband and I
said to him so papaknowing this is how she felt those years
ago what you like do she’s crying youknow you called for help with this
family and you would like all ofanything to me stood up walked to his
wife grabbed her lifted her and justto determine the level of readiness and in theyou in this kind of position you should
have told me and then she said I triedwhere the problem is but as a I’m
looking at the connections that form theso both began to admit how they fail to
make it work yeah so I looked at thechildren while the parents are doing
this so I said what you folks want to doto help mama I didn’t have to say
anything they all stood up hugged bothparents a beautiful demonstration of
love in this Hawaiian family who alwayssaid love and how they came together to
take care of that uh-huhI let them go until gradually they
started going back to this so then Ivariables you want to know all these
things because when you toso relieved that it’s out in the open
because I’ve had this from way back whensame like so giving the
prospective family members informationreveal another layer we have to pay
attention to what are we going to do nowto have they
understand they know they come they knowstrength to do that yeah so in this case
it happened before this child was bornso that transference that perpetuate a
negative response yeah so how do youlooking at is this person how
is this person how is thiswhat do you identify to be the problem
who’s involved in this entanglementthat’s a knot in your family and so I
hear it from one person and of coursethe next question I raised is do all of
these family members feel like you theypatterns in and that the
attitudes are what’s expected of me tooto agree to want and come in or I can
say to that person let them you let themknow you called for help with this
family pilikia and you would like all ofprivilege so it’s a two-way street now
in the traditional days nomore two-way street it’s out one way and
the makes that determination and indiscussion of the level of readiness
they’re all giving me their versions oftraditional unless they train
someone in the family to take over thatknots and I will identify that as my
perception from what each of them saidthis appears to be a problem of this
magnitude yeahincorporate an educational aspect in the
that I do withbuy your homes
do you just buy the first place that yougoing through a
session with me gives them thatknow what the interest rate is you want
to know if there’s fix or there’svariables you want to know all these
things because when you how topurchase it has to it has to give you
the feeling that you can handle itsame like so giving the
prospective family members informationto make an informed decision not like
before you tell the family we’re goingto have her open upon her they
understand they know they come they knowwhat’s expected today’s family know
sometimes this preparation phase takestwo, three sessions. And I’m looking at, how is this person?
How is this one?And then I have to let them think about itSo that’s just the preparation phase to participate. When they make a decision to participate they’re very clear they these attitudesare the expected behavior patterns in and that the attitudes are what’s expected of me tooand tif they think I’m going off base I appreciate if they call my attention to thatIt’s okay I want them to be honest about itbecause I want the same privilegeso it’s a two way streetNow, in the traditional days no more two-way streetit’s all one wayand the makes that determinationand then the traditional waythe knowledge and the skill resides and remains in the traditional unless they train someone in the family
to take over that responsibilityFamily situations today are so horrendous the issues of disconnection is really very overpoweringI choose to go and incorporate an educational aspectin the that I do with familiesso that they become knowledgeable
about the informationgoing though a session with megives them that experience of what’s it like
and hope for the futurevery different. . .
traditional go into the job and get outToday if you go in to do the job for them,
they remain locked up with issuesthat are not dealt withlet alone they have no idea because they expect somebody else to solve the problem for themand from where I sitI would be remiss in not helping to educate today’s families about the

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